After almost 3 months of not posting here, I come back with this little gem...

.... you can kill me later.

This was brought to my attention by Jess-i-kerrrr. and I hate her so hard right now.

Good gravy, there are no words.

Ok, I lied. There are words.

holymotherofsweetbabyjesus

Props to the Mom of The Year for getting her child hooked on 'go-go juice' at an early age. Nothing like some Mt Dew, mixed with pixie sticks, sugar, and Monster to start your pageant day.

And for her future husbands... a dolla makes her holla. Good gravy that is wrong on soooo many levels.

This is why Toddlers & Tiaras gets such a bad 'rap. And Extreme Couponing.

Good gravy.

Female Fans. 'An Excerpt...'

This is from an upcoming article I'm doing.

I figured I'd indulge you in a little aperçu...

When guys asked me, and still do, who my favourite players are, I tell them. If a player is remotely good looking, they assume that I like them solely based on looks. Now, while that argument does hold some truth, it is not the sole reason why I like a player. I like them based on their performance on the ice and off the ice (minds out of the gutter people). I’m talking charity, giving back, being a genuine class act. That being said, who are my favourite players, you ask? Well, since you asked so nicely I’ll indulge you…

Brad Richards – yes, setting aside his devilish good looks, he is really a talented player. Have you seen this man pass a puck? It’s a thing of beauty. I could watch video of him passing the puck for hours. He’s a humble guy, team player, and a fantastic giver-backer. Yes, that’s the technical term. +1 for charity! +1 for being able to pass the puck dead on backwards!

John-Michael Liles (Toronto) – again, yes he’s good looking. But the man is solid on D. Solid. A great play maker and knows when to step up and when to stay back. Again, he’s a great community presence in the Denver and now Toronto community. He, like Richards, did a charity event only minutes after he signed with the Leafs. Keepin’ it classy. Plus he’s ridiculously funny and watches “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. +1 for ‘hashtag JML’. And did you catch his hair last season? SICK. Give that man another +1!

Henrik Lundqvist – No explanation needed here. The man OWNS the net. + infinity, cause he’s Henrik Lundqvist!

And last but not least Mark Stuart (Winnipeg) – I remember watching him play while he was in Boston. I liked his style of play. He’s not afraid to put his body in front of the puck, and he’s not afraid to use his size and strength to win battles in the corners. When he’s on the ice, his physical presence is felt. He’s also an amazingly humble guy with awesomely epic taste in music. +1 for being my musicsoulmate!

Now I was curious. Does that classify me as a girl who likes the game solely for the players’ good looks? After several cups of coffee I came to the realization that it does not. I’ve never referred to myself, in person or on the internets as ‘Mrs Richards’ or ‘Mrs Liles’ as I’ve seen many people do. I’ve not photoshopped myself into a photo with them. The closest I’ve come is putting someone’s number at the end of my screen name or a password. I’ve never chased down a player to get an autograph to only slip them my number. I have, however, joked about blindfolding Brad Richards (solely for the purpose of seeing if his passing is really that good), and kidnapping Roman Polak… But it was all in good fun. And frankly, if anyone is strong enough to wrestle down the Polak Bear, tie him up and ship him to me, they can do it, but I wish them much luck and a speedy recovery. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good swooning every once in a while, but taking it to the point where I watch hockey only for the ‘hotness factor’ will never come. But I won’t lie, it does make for watching the interviews that much better…

Stay tuned for the complete article...

I would have played caddy...

This was just a suggestion....

Being a golfer, I would have been happy to join the Rangers at their golf outing yesterday. With my 18 holes of experience at an AIG Golf Tourney in 2008 (go ahead, insert an AIG joke. I'll wait...... done? okay, good.) and my vast mini-golfing experience would have made me a prime candidate for being a caddy.

Our whips for the day... notice the precision parking?

Just incase you needed legit proof, I'm Michelle Milne. Or was.

Plus, I's a super excellent golf cart driver. Lead foot.

But, since the Rangers heard about my golf-cart mishap (really, who keeps the carts on the paths? Sand traps are so much more fun, as are the ponds) I was asked to stay as far away as possible. Which made Marty Biron so happy...

Apparently, Dubinksy was relegated to being the ballboy.


and, of course, I couldn't leave this post without a BR shot...

2 minutes in the penalty box

I had a dream last night that I turned it into a 2 minute web series.

Genius.

Make it happen' Cap'in.

5 Things You Never Knew About Me...

1. I speak 3 languages. Fluently. English, French, Czech, and I don't count Russian since mine is really rusty. Rustier than the Titanic.

2. I played the violin for 10 years.

3. I've read War and Peace. For fun. Cover to cover. In Russian. And understood it.

4. I have an obsession with even numbers. It's sick. So sick in fact that I can't list a 5th thing.

My Brain Would Not Shut Off...

Last night, I was up until 3:30 this morning. I had every intention of going to bed at a respectable 12:45am. But my brain, well, it had other plans.

I must've worked on writing too late at night. All these thoughts raced through my head about blogs. It was crazy. I almost thought about breaking out the Dragon Dictator on my iPhone, but the thought of speaking into it in a dark room kind of creeped me out. Not to mention, anytime I use it my accent makes for some funny sayings. Then I thought, if there was a way to harness my brain power and record what was going on... well, that probably isn't the best idea. For all of man-kind. What goes on in my head, should be filtered. Then I thought maybe I should keep a notepad and pen by the bed. But papercuts are a bitch.

I remembered most of what was going on. I had a brilliant idea for a 'Size vs Skill' blog post, and had some pretty awesome one-liners. One was about the Leafs harnessing the blue eyes of 'hashtag JML' and that it would only work if the opposing forwards were pre-pubescent girls, or Sidney Crosby. It was funnier in my head, I swear. It lost some of it's 'je ne sais quoi' over night.

What did I learn?

To not drink coffee at 11pm.

Or keep a white board by my bed. Less papercuts.

The Muscle from Ostrava. Or as I Like to Call Him, My Little Poley Bear.

Little is a misnomer.

A large Czech misnomer. One that could knock you down merely by sighing too hard.

I kid you not.

Okay, I may have overdramaticized his strength. But seriously, he's fierce. And I mean that in the most masculine way. Not how Tyra means it. 'Cause even though I'm not a betting (wo)man, I can almost bet you that Roman Polak does not smize with his eyes.



You hear that folks? He has a massive upper body. Massive.



Beastly.

And he, amazingly, looked scared when he overheard Jen and Diane plotting to kidnap him to mail to me...

photo courtesy of Jen Krechel & Diane Ruff

That is the look of pure fear. Or he had gas. Your guess is as good as mine....